My Current Dilemma

Do you know that moment in life when you start second guessing yourself? Like you don’t know whether or not something actually happened.

“Was I making it up? Did she/he really say that? I can’t freaking remember what they said dammit!!

That’s how I feel right now.

In the moment you are 100% sure that what you heard is legitly what the person said. But when the news really sinks in you’re like, “Damn, did they really say that?” It obviously doesn’t help if the person on the phone sorta laughed while delivering the most important news of your life to you…..

What news am I talking about?

I was gonna come on here Friday night and bitch and moan about how fucking retarded I am when it comes to making decisions that will not only affect the next 3/4 years of my life but my entire life and existence. Those who know me personally will know that I am blatantly referring to me deciding to choose to pursue a degree in Geography (a subject that I absolutely deplore with every fibre of my being) and Environmental and Natural Resource Management ( a subject that I had imagined would be so much different from what it actually is at tertiary level) instead of accepting the offer to pursue a degree in what I had initially wanted to do, International Relations and Spanish.

In my defense, for what it’s worth, I had understood my first acceptance letter to mean that I would be only studying Envi & Nat Res. Mgmt – no Geo. But alas, even when I found out that it wasn’t so, that it’d be doing the two of them I still said “Ah, fuck it!”

What pisses me off most about myself that day is this: I was on campus on my way to drop off my medical at HSU when Sasonel rang (or I rang her, can’t quite recall how it went) and told me to come across to the building where they were giving out the IR packages because I had indeed gotten accepted to study that. Instead, again I opted to go “fuck it! I’m already set on doing this, so this imma do.”

Let me tell you something about Aneakaleigh, she’s a damn straight cuntoid. A cuntoid that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Pray for us. Or do whatever it is you do.

So today, I got fed up of waiting for a response from the University about my transfer application from my current faculty (Science & Agriculture) to Humanities where I would be pursuing my BA in Spanish (far cry from my current degree right?)

After a long wait on the line she finally told me “Your transfer was successful.”

Now, I went batshit crazy after I hung up the phone. This is what I have been waiting for since that first day I sat down in that Soils and the Environment class in semester 1 . . .

And now, in my mind, I keep hearing variations of what she might have said:

“Your trasnfer was unsuccessful.”

“Your transfer wasn’t successful.”

The way us Trinis talk, especially when a laugh is on our tongues, leaves me nervous as hell all over again as I patiently await the arrival of a confirmation lettter.

I mean, I kept telling myself that they have no reason to turn me down because I’ve been murdering Spanish exams since I was allowed to study it. AND THEY HAVE NO REASON BECAUSE I’M FUCKING GREAT AT SPANISH. Not just on paper either. I live for languages. Which is why I hate Aneakaleigh, because she knows we kill languages on a daily.

So, you know, I should be freaking ecstatic right now but I am not because second guessing myself is what I’m excellent at and until I get that letter saying all systems are a go ON TIME, I’ll be alright.

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