A Message From the Past

Is it possible to feel like you’ve wasted your life at just 20 years old?

I look around and I see people my age who know what they are doing and where they are going, or at least they put on a pretty good facade and act like they do know. But when I look at myself and where I am now I am sort of disappointed.

I feel like I’m a disappointment too but my mother always tells me just how proud she is of me . . . My dad though? Not so much. And it isn’t that he isn’t proud, him and I both have problems communicating with words.

The truth is, most of time I feel like I take everything I have for granted. I know that in life you have to work for what you want but when push comes to shove I am too comfortable sitting back and taking what I get.

Why can’t I be a go-getter? I see people go after what they want all the time – take risks, seize opportunities. Meanwhile, I’m just like “maybe next time”.

For as long as I can remember, after getting examination results I’ve always been that girl that goes “OMG! I got an A and I didn’t even study! Imagine what I would have done if I’d actually studied!” Why can’t I instead say “All that hard work paid off.”?

My biggest fear in life is doing nothing with the brain I’ve got and although I have managed to keep my grades up on a bogus study routine for years, I need to take things to the next level and figure out where I’m going and what I’m doing in this life. It’s the scariest thing not knowing, trust me.

I know my likes and my dislikes but why can’t I wake up one morning and have it all figured out like everybody else?

Sometimes I feel like I need a do-over to re-evaluate my strengths and weaknesses and start all over. It’s overwhelming and stressful.

One of the questions I most hate to be asked about my Spanish degree is “What are you going to do with that?” Why? Because I don’t even know! For some people “I like it and I’m good at it.” isn’t enough and sometimes I feel like that’s not enough for me either.

IMG_0585[1]From the very first day I started learning the language I fell in love with it and I’ve never looked back (okay I did once and it was a huge mistake). Since then every Spanish teacher I’ve had has only had rave reviews over my command of the language and they see so much potential for me with regards to that but me, what do I think I’ll get from graduating with a Spanish degree? I haven’t a damn clue.

But I always forget the advice from my Spanish oral examiner back in fifth form. I remember the butterflies in my stomach before the exam but feeling so comfortable speaking the language as she conducted the exam.

Spanish is my future.

My command of the language has depreciated quite a bit since that encounter in the school library and I must admit that it has been frustrating and disconcerting at times, but I’ve never stopped loving Spanish. And although the words and concepts were simpler at fifth form level than it is now at University, I just need to remember that feeling of complete control and confidence and hopefully that feeling of disappointment will disappear.


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